Losing to suicide

I haven’t had much experience with death in my life, not with someone I consider a good friend or family anyway. That has since changed.

I was scrolling through Facebook on the 14th April this year, the night before my 21st birthday and I saw a post on my friend’s wall, it started with “Rest in peace beautiful lady..”

This must be a private joke, this isn’t real, she’s my friend, friends don’t die, we are all too young and these things don’t happen to us, they’re things you see on the news or read about on social media about other people, it’s not true, it can’t be, she can’t be actually gone.

I remember reading about train delays the day before because someone had been hit, and thinking “fuck, what if it’s someone I know”

As you can probably gather, it was my friend.

My thoughts aren’t straight enough to figure out and write down, it’s been nearly a month now and I can’t believe it nor accept it.

I keep thinking back to the first time we met, drinking honeycomb hot chocolates and talking about Keaton Henson. I remember looking at her and thinking “how the hell can a person be so beautiful, and cool and interesting?”

I saw her scars, I look for them on people because I have them too.

Keaton Henson released a new song recently and I was meaning to send her it but I was too busy and distracted with uni work and kept putting it off.

I hate myself for not sending it because days later she fucking killed herself.

I’ve not listened to Keaton since.

I suffer with depression and suicidal thoughts, I know she won’t have thought it’d affect anyone as much as it has, but it’s soul destroying for the people’s lives she’s touched in her years on this earth and in this life.

It’s knocked me hard, back into those feelings of hopelessness and made me see how easy it really is to be here one minute and not the next, to escape this shitty world but I’m trying desperately to steer those thoughts.

I don’t believe in any religion, and up until now I’ve thought the concept of an afterlife was bullshit, but I hope my friend isn’t just gone, I hope she’s somewhere else, some place happy and that she’s okay now.

I miss your beautiful face, body and mind and I’ll never forget you.

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